My heart felt so heavy. when darling moved his things back home. it felt like a breakup.. i dunno why. i probably just got too used to having him around me all the time. no matter how busy we were at least we came home to each other, but now.. im afraid we'll be seeing less of each other..and i wonder what will happen..

sad =

what should i do

Again, when i was upset i cried alone. and dried my own tears right in front of him. i totally dun understand the guy im living with, always only full of himself..nvr considered my thoughts, nvr try to console me.. how does one guy ever ignores the fact that his gf is upset and is crying and still continues to play his games and go to sleep even when his gf is outside feeling horrible? even when she says she's hungry he just asked her to make some bread. becos i rmb everytime he said he was hungry i will offer to eat out with him or cook something for him no matter wad i was doing and how tired i was.. and the worst thing was he says y must i always cry when he wants to sleep??? he gt angry when i ask him y he dint bother? he nvr knew how much he has hurt me and how much i have tolerated him these months.. i trusted him that he will take care of me, be there when i needed him, love me good and treats me like his princess. Thats y i made the choice to be with him instead.. but wad happen now? i cant even cry infront of him and i cant even have some hugs and console when everything isnt right.. i cant live like this.. i tried, i really tried my best to let him know his every mistakes that shud nt happen in a relationship.. i tried but to no avail becos he will always think he's right and he wont even apologise for hurting me..when did i ever hurt him? my world revolves around him.. just for him i can leave my frens alone..just for him i turn down any suitors.but wad did i get in return? his lousy attitude, his low tolerance level. i felt so uncared for whenever im down. he shared my laughters but not my tears.. he failed to do wad he has promised me.. i dunno how i can ever change that part of him.. a guy full of hate and anger and himself..i've nvr loved someone like this before. i dunno wad i should do.. to stay and wait for that 2 yrs he promised or to just leave to let him be with his career and himself and hopefully he finds a girl who doesnt care whether he cares anot..but everytime i thought of leaving, it hurts.. i will always worry who will cook for him when he's hungry, who will change his contact lens solutions for him, who will pack his clothes and wash his clothes for him, who will give him massage everytime he need it, who will be there for him no matter how tired, who will bathe with him everyday, who will suprise him with gifts every mth, who will always try to fetch him home?..who's gonna support his every decision, who can swallow their pride just for him?.. i dunno.. i supported him, but i was alone.. there wasnt any support i felt when i felt like collapsing and crying..

Hurts

I couldnt make u understand can i? its not about the games u've been playing.. its not about the time issue. we all need our own time.. but its just that whenever u're on the game u're oblivious to whatever's happening to me until i start to bang things around.. u r too insensitive to my feelings.. and u always have to put the blame of me crying and us quarrelling on me being too emotional. im a girl.. i think thru my heart, i feel thru my heart..how would u feel if someday i dun evern care about u when u r crying? or when i neglected u for sometimes and i dun give a damn about this? how could this be called love when u cant be there to catch me when i fall ? love should be present in any situations.. y isit always absent when we r quarrelling? y do u have to look at me with those hateful eyes? what have i done wrong? i was faithful, i did my part as a gf.. i accompanied u no matter how tired i am.. i massaged u no matter how tired i am.. im always ready to console u to hold u to make u feel better in times of troubles.. i ahet to be left alone.. especially in the same room and when im crying or upset.. u just left me there and continued clicking away on ur laptop..u dun get the simple hint when i say is ur games more impt than me.. i'd expect u to come over and hold me.. not just hold me for awhile and when i keep quiet u just go str8 back to ur games.. it made me feel like shit.. u just keep comparing the things u've done for me.. i did question ur love for me.. because tt was how u made me feel..i know every single things u've done for me.. the flowers u've given me.. u'd always try to bring me to places where i like to go, u'll always bring me to eat thing i like to eat.. u'll come and fetch me thou u're tired..u'll take care of me when im sick, feed me medicine..there's only one thing u cant do... and tt is controlling ur temper..previously whenever we quarrelled.. u will shout at me..i hate guys shouting at me.. nvr had a bf who shouts at me..u cant control ur attitude towards everything..u cant show me love or hold me when u're not happy..u need me to initiate so many so many things that it made me feel like im forcing u to love me to care to hold me..it may sound ridiculous to u.. but this is the ideal love that everyone search for.. not just in times of happiness, but also in times of anger and sadness.. as long as the one we love is hurt or crying.. our heartaches as well.. we wont bother bout anything else except to hold and comfort each other after a big fight..not to walk away, not to ignore, not to roll our eyes and stand far away as if we're enemies, not to write down on a piece of paper and ask me to write down the points of this quarrell.. im not a customer. we r not handling a contract here.. we're handling a life, two lives, two hearts..i wished i could stop crying last night, but i couldnt stop.. its too painful to see that u dun care for me at all.. evern when im right beside u crying my eyes out and my knuckles are blistered and bleeding i had to put the plaster on my own.. how much it hurts.. i'll never forget this night..it felt worst than the time u hit me.. at least u still tried to hold me and apologised.. but for now everything i voice out, be it ur wrong or my wrong.. all u did was get pissed off and say tt im emotional..i know u're tired.. u're working.. im tired too.. im working as well..i have to handle alot of stress.. not only sales, not only skills, not only money, not only how to operate a shop, i still have to fulfill the expectations of linda and my boss.. every little wrong thing i do will be penalised..all i want is to be happy with u.. and have u ard me in times of sadness or anger..is tt too much to ask for?

Back In Reality

Its been ages since i last updated my blog!
Many things have changed, totally stopped contacting H.
He's a total pussy.Well, life has been quite nice after i've gotten Joel..
i love him, tts the most important thing. Eversince he came into my life
i let go totally of all my past.. including K and H..K's my good friend now.
Though joel's temper's as horrible as mine, i have learnt to give and take
i controlled mine temper, he hasnt seen me at my worst.thanks god for tt.
His attitude sucks to the max, its just took me some mths to get used to it
Still. i really hate it when he speaks in monotone or just some fucked up tone.
In the beginning, everything has to be so spelled out. It doesnt feel like love at all
its like we are following a contract. We have to tell each other what to do and what not to do, what we hate, no guessing, no mutual understanding at all.
Im glad nw just got better. At least for nw when he throws his temper im cool.
i can say we are damn extreme, we can be super sweet, and even the slightest thing could make us seem like enemies. Honestly i hate this kinda feelings in a r/s.
There was so many times i felt like giving up on us.. The time when he hit me. i forgave him, ask me why?.. i dunno..Maybe it was my fault.i fed him those pills.
i dint know how he'd react, he wasnt strong willed enough to control it.
It pains me even more when he said i was the first girl he ever hit,It made me feel like shit.He wanted to leave. but i held on.. i felt stupid. but i just did..i keep believing he could be the one for me.. one i can learn frm and learn nt to be like him..i was too overbearing in the past.. nw is my turn to learn how to respect each other as a couple..I know at times he was rather rude to my mum, i was angry.. but i just forget it.. if we're meant to be.. we will be.. if everything goes wrong and i feel it isnt right.. i will end it myself..i know Bong has been encouraging me to end it eversince the day he hit me.. yes he was super selfish. he cared for no one except himself. everything he does is full of himself.this is him, its nvr gonna change..no excuse tt he's the only child.Bong is also one..No doubt he needs to learn to be considerate and not be so selfish..every little actions and events tts happens between the both of us, i took it to heart.. i rmb every details.. it all builds up to conclusions..Im keeping these to myself..i dun wan him to feel like shit..
Nobody's perfect, if i can change for my love.. i believe he can too. no matter who looks down on him, i will support him.. i will be there to catch him when he falls and bring him right back to his feet again..Tts the least i can do for my love..
i wished he can be there for me always too..its always dependant on his mood..
many times i cried alone, with no embrace no care and no console..just so cold..
i wished all tts bad about will change in time.. im waiting..

Gradually Falling Apart

i wasnt made to be perfect, but at least i learnt from so many previous failures that now im a better person for everything..The past was a learning experience, i pulled thru so much just to get better each day.. yet there are some ppl who pulls me down and made me feel worse..so much about understanding and not knowing each other well.. What has it gotta do with my past?? your past?? if past matters so much to the person loving you, then whats love for anyway? its to live, to love, to forgive and to forget. Why in a relationship ppl tend to use the terms I and YOU more often then WE, US, OUR.. its the togetherness that keeps love alive, but yet its forgotten..i wasnt once selfish in this r/s.. and i will never be unless i see the need to.. i admit i was selfish, self centered, unreasonable, bad tempered in my past r/s..but all that has changed, im a changed person.. and i couldnt even believe how calm i was when we quarrelled..everytime i wanted to flare up, i thought about his feelings, how will he react if i reacted the same way i did years ago..it would be throwing of chairs and tables, punching whatever i can find, kicking dustbins and smashing things ard and even hurling all sorts of words towards him.. i dint.. i kept my cool even thou how much it hurts..and i really wonder who knows the changes i've made. it seems ppl only notices my flaws..but nt my improvements.

23rd december! st james Power house.. celebrating sheena's Bday,, had an enjoyable night despite the fight...