Hurts

I couldnt make u understand can i? its not about the games u've been playing.. its not about the time issue. we all need our own time.. but its just that whenever u're on the game u're oblivious to whatever's happening to me until i start to bang things around.. u r too insensitive to my feelings.. and u always have to put the blame of me crying and us quarrelling on me being too emotional. im a girl.. i think thru my heart, i feel thru my heart..how would u feel if someday i dun evern care about u when u r crying? or when i neglected u for sometimes and i dun give a damn about this? how could this be called love when u cant be there to catch me when i fall ? love should be present in any situations.. y isit always absent when we r quarrelling? y do u have to look at me with those hateful eyes? what have i done wrong? i was faithful, i did my part as a gf.. i accompanied u no matter how tired i am.. i massaged u no matter how tired i am.. im always ready to console u to hold u to make u feel better in times of troubles.. i ahet to be left alone.. especially in the same room and when im crying or upset.. u just left me there and continued clicking away on ur laptop..u dun get the simple hint when i say is ur games more impt than me.. i'd expect u to come over and hold me.. not just hold me for awhile and when i keep quiet u just go str8 back to ur games.. it made me feel like shit.. u just keep comparing the things u've done for me.. i did question ur love for me.. because tt was how u made me feel..i know every single things u've done for me.. the flowers u've given me.. u'd always try to bring me to places where i like to go, u'll always bring me to eat thing i like to eat.. u'll come and fetch me thou u're tired..u'll take care of me when im sick, feed me medicine..there's only one thing u cant do... and tt is controlling ur temper..previously whenever we quarrelled.. u will shout at me..i hate guys shouting at me.. nvr had a bf who shouts at me..u cant control ur attitude towards everything..u cant show me love or hold me when u're not happy..u need me to initiate so many so many things that it made me feel like im forcing u to love me to care to hold me..it may sound ridiculous to u.. but this is the ideal love that everyone search for.. not just in times of happiness, but also in times of anger and sadness.. as long as the one we love is hurt or crying.. our heartaches as well.. we wont bother bout anything else except to hold and comfort each other after a big fight..not to walk away, not to ignore, not to roll our eyes and stand far away as if we're enemies, not to write down on a piece of paper and ask me to write down the points of this quarrell.. im not a customer. we r not handling a contract here.. we're handling a life, two lives, two hearts..i wished i could stop crying last night, but i couldnt stop.. its too painful to see that u dun care for me at all.. evern when im right beside u crying my eyes out and my knuckles are blistered and bleeding i had to put the plaster on my own.. how much it hurts.. i'll never forget this night..it felt worst than the time u hit me.. at least u still tried to hold me and apologised.. but for now everything i voice out, be it ur wrong or my wrong.. all u did was get pissed off and say tt im emotional..i know u're tired.. u're working.. im tired too.. im working as well..i have to handle alot of stress.. not only sales, not only skills, not only money, not only how to operate a shop, i still have to fulfill the expectations of linda and my boss.. every little wrong thing i do will be penalised..all i want is to be happy with u.. and have u ard me in times of sadness or anger..is tt too much to ask for?

Back In Reality

Its been ages since i last updated my blog!
Many things have changed, totally stopped contacting H.
He's a total pussy.Well, life has been quite nice after i've gotten Joel..
i love him, tts the most important thing. Eversince he came into my life
i let go totally of all my past.. including K and H..K's my good friend now.
Though joel's temper's as horrible as mine, i have learnt to give and take
i controlled mine temper, he hasnt seen me at my worst.thanks god for tt.
His attitude sucks to the max, its just took me some mths to get used to it
Still. i really hate it when he speaks in monotone or just some fucked up tone.
In the beginning, everything has to be so spelled out. It doesnt feel like love at all
its like we are following a contract. We have to tell each other what to do and what not to do, what we hate, no guessing, no mutual understanding at all.
Im glad nw just got better. At least for nw when he throws his temper im cool.
i can say we are damn extreme, we can be super sweet, and even the slightest thing could make us seem like enemies. Honestly i hate this kinda feelings in a r/s.
There was so many times i felt like giving up on us.. The time when he hit me. i forgave him, ask me why?.. i dunno..Maybe it was my fault.i fed him those pills.
i dint know how he'd react, he wasnt strong willed enough to control it.
It pains me even more when he said i was the first girl he ever hit,It made me feel like shit.He wanted to leave. but i held on.. i felt stupid. but i just did..i keep believing he could be the one for me.. one i can learn frm and learn nt to be like him..i was too overbearing in the past.. nw is my turn to learn how to respect each other as a couple..I know at times he was rather rude to my mum, i was angry.. but i just forget it.. if we're meant to be.. we will be.. if everything goes wrong and i feel it isnt right.. i will end it myself..i know Bong has been encouraging me to end it eversince the day he hit me.. yes he was super selfish. he cared for no one except himself. everything he does is full of himself.this is him, its nvr gonna change..no excuse tt he's the only child.Bong is also one..No doubt he needs to learn to be considerate and not be so selfish..every little actions and events tts happens between the both of us, i took it to heart.. i rmb every details.. it all builds up to conclusions..Im keeping these to myself..i dun wan him to feel like shit..
Nobody's perfect, if i can change for my love.. i believe he can too. no matter who looks down on him, i will support him.. i will be there to catch him when he falls and bring him right back to his feet again..Tts the least i can do for my love..
i wished he can be there for me always too..its always dependant on his mood..
many times i cried alone, with no embrace no care and no console..just so cold..
i wished all tts bad about will change in time.. im waiting..

Gradually Falling Apart

i wasnt made to be perfect, but at least i learnt from so many previous failures that now im a better person for everything..The past was a learning experience, i pulled thru so much just to get better each day.. yet there are some ppl who pulls me down and made me feel worse..so much about understanding and not knowing each other well.. What has it gotta do with my past?? your past?? if past matters so much to the person loving you, then whats love for anyway? its to live, to love, to forgive and to forget. Why in a relationship ppl tend to use the terms I and YOU more often then WE, US, OUR.. its the togetherness that keeps love alive, but yet its forgotten..i wasnt once selfish in this r/s.. and i will never be unless i see the need to.. i admit i was selfish, self centered, unreasonable, bad tempered in my past r/s..but all that has changed, im a changed person.. and i couldnt even believe how calm i was when we quarrelled..everytime i wanted to flare up, i thought about his feelings, how will he react if i reacted the same way i did years ago..it would be throwing of chairs and tables, punching whatever i can find, kicking dustbins and smashing things ard and even hurling all sorts of words towards him.. i dint.. i kept my cool even thou how much it hurts..and i really wonder who knows the changes i've made. it seems ppl only notices my flaws..but nt my improvements.

23rd december! st james Power house.. celebrating sheena's Bday,, had an enjoyable night despite the fight...

i cant seem to let my heart settle down. Why is it so .. i dun wanna be unfaithful at all.. it seems i have returned to my old ways...im still lying and neglecting my R/S.. i wanna change for someone but it seems so hard to ..i wanna have everything without having to let go of even one..im being greedy but yet i cant stop.. hopefully someone can make the change in me..

photos

What can i say?

Baoyun and me at toot's Bday

Toot Shirley Xiiaoniu

Bong Xiiaoniu

Shirley Xiiaoniu

oh well.. just another year end is approaching. Having lost the most impt person in my life just years ago.. i kinda got numb to all the goodbyes from ppl in my life..Boys, they just come and go. yet none could leave a deep impression so much that i couldnt live without him..i could sense his hesitance to change to be with me.. yet i held on.. knowing i might make a change in his life again..Getting into fights isnt what his parents made him out to be, but thats just what he might have felt happy with..besides, there's no more ME to be by him giving him words of advises and reprimands..Looking back, i cant stop thinking, if me and K were still together i bet we've already been loving for 5 years..silly mistake of mine 2 years ago caused so much misery to the both of us..And negligence of H's caused us misery again. why cant human stop erring and just be contented and learn to cherish their loved ones before its too late? If we're still happily together. we might've ROMed.. and who knows few years down the road when our career's on the right path we would've been married with kids.. All the ifs seems so silly now..

Nevertheless. another chapter of life starts.. J steps into my life.. my materialistic life.. all i thought of was money money and money..i did make sacrifices for him.. and i believe so did he..we were such different couples.. we each led our own live loving each other and meeting only when we could find the time to..we kept very much to ourselves unlike those loving couples who whispers sweet nothings to each other or throw ourselves with hugs and kisses..considered we are very realistic couple..J's got his own group of friends and i had mine..so much freedom it feels so distant and far..His sweetness are hardly shown but in his heart i know..Sadly to say my bf's a block of wood.. he doesnt know how to express his love well.. much less his affections..i guess this is the time i should really try to get used to not being pampered like a lil princess..

Been really really tired working and working these recent months.. havent been able to take a good rest since i started with benefit.. been OTing everyday till my health complains. Down with gastricitis recently due to stress and overwork.. Plus my night job at the MASKA, im really ready to collapse anytime soon..it really sucks to be independant.. Mum's relying on me for house utility bills and phone bills..damn..wished i could do with some help out there..